A Son's Ultramarathon Path to Healing after a Father's Tragic Suicide

Since 2013, more than 3,050 police officers have died by suicide nationally. In this episode of The Paid Leave Podcast, we talk to a son, whose father died by suicide while serving as an East Hartford Police officer. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. This month is focused on raising awareness, reducing stigma, and promoting resources that can help prevent suicide. 

This is a story about grief, resilience, mental health, and what happens when pain gets carried for too long in silence. Jared Buchanan is a relentless motivational speaker and passionate advocate for suicide prevention, dedicating his efforts in honor of his father, Officer Paul S. Buchanan, who died by suicide at his own police station in East Hartford. He did leave a note to his family, and those words eventually inspired Jared, but initially enraged him. Jared is a Marine infantry veteran who discovered a transformative path to healing by conquering grueling ultramarathons spanning 100, 200, and 240 miles all in the memory of his father. He talks about his father, and his own anger, and the years and miles it took to find forgiveness and the work he needed to do for his own mental health.

He is the focus of a documentary, Beautifully Broken. This was produced by Daniel Herzog who is a documentary filmmaker, creative producer, and friend to Jared. Beautifully Broken, shows Jared accomplishing an ultramarathon and how he found healing, peace and understanding along the way. He runs for his father and carries his picture with him. Daniel says he realizes that while the subject matter is difficult, the film serves to create connection and move conversations regarding mental health forward. He talks about Jared's transformation and positive attitude while running these grueling races. They talk about suicide and emotional trauma, but they also talk about finding meaning after loss. Jared and Daniel discuss the impact of their work through public screenings and speaking engagements, which they both find incredibly emotional and important.

Jared earned his master’s degree at Sacred Heart University in 2025 and is a practicing unconscious-based psychotherapist, who helps and encourages other police officers and first responders to talk about their struggles. Jared says he has helped people utilize CT Paid Leave in his practice. He finds the time allowed away from work to heal and the intermittent leave incredibly important.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please use the suicide and crisis hotline, 9-8-8 

For more information about the documentary, Beautifully Broken, please visit, https://www.beautifullybrokendocumentary.com/ (beautifullybrokendocumentary.com)

For information or to apply for benefits please visit, https://www.ctpaidleave.org/?language=en_US (ctpaidleave.org)

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Transcript

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Nancy Barrow: 0:01

Hello, Connecticut, and welcome to The Paid Leave Podcast. The title basically says it all. I'm Nancy Barrow, and I will be delving into this new state program and how it can help you and your family. This podcast will give you information you should know about Connecticut Paid Leave and maybe just a little bit more. Connecticut Paid Leave brings peace of mind to your home, family, and workplace. Welcome to the Paid Leave Podcast. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and to raise awareness, it's hoping to reduce stigma and promote resources that can help prevent suicide. And today's episode is about grief, resilience, mental health, and what happens when pain gets carried for too long in silence. My guests are Jared Buchanan. He is a relentless motivational speaker and passionate advocate for suicide prevention, and he dedicates his efforts in honor of his father, Officer Paul S. Buchanan. A Marine infantry vet, Jared discovered a transformative path by healing by conquering a grueling ultra marathon spanning 100 and even 200 plus miles, all in memory of his beloved father while trying to process grief, trauma, and purpose. And Jared earned his master's degree at Sacred Heart University in 2025 and is on his own journey to become an unconscious-based psychotherapist. He utilizes evidence-based practices like CBT and DBT to best serve his clientele. And filmmaker Daniel Herzog is a documentary filmmaker, a content strategist, and creative producer drawn to stories that reveal what people carry and overcome and transform, and his work lives at the intersection of resilience, psychology, mental health, and social impact, where cinematic storytelling becomes more than entertainment; it becomes a way to create understanding, connection, and change. And I just love that. Your documentary, Beautifully Broken, is amazing. It follows Jared as he confronts the trauma of losing his father, a police officer, to suicide. The film explores grief, PTSD, identity, healing, and the power of using personal pain to serve a larger purpose. And the result is a deeply human story designed to support mental health awareness, suicide prevention, and meaningful public dialog. And his work is rooted in a clear belief that most powerful stories do more than move people emotionally; they move conversations forward. This conversation touches on suicide and emotional trauma, but it's also about survival, connection, and finding meaning after loss. And Jared and Daniel, thank you both for being here. I'm so happy to have you on The Paid Leave Podcast.

Jared Buchanon: 2:42

Thank you for having us. Let's rock and roll.

Nancy Barrow: 2:44

Let's rock and roll. So, tell me about your story, Jared. Tell me about your dad.

Jared Buchanon: 2:48

Yeah. So my father was a man of integrity, a man of character, a police officer who genuinely just wanted to do his job, provide for his family. I I think the one word that would represent my dad the most-a family man-just want to do his job, provide for us, and come home. You know, his biggest joy was just you know seeing seeing my mom happy, seeing seeing me and my brother do well and everything. Everything he did was for us, and I just feel like him as a peacekeeper, he kept a lot of those burdens of those he served, and he kept a lot of that in silence, due to the fact that it was you know 2013. This this was a long time ago, and everything. So this this kind of thing was not discussed like it is. A lot has changed since then, but um he he carried a lot of weight to the point where I think um it just it overtook him.

Nancy Barrow: 3:39

You know a lot of police officers or first responders, they see heavy things, and it's hard, right? Like I think men have a hard time asking for help.

Jared Buchanon: 3:51

Absolutely, absolutely. One of his fears, I believe, was that if he went for help at the time, he thought one, his gun was going to be taken away. He thought he was going to lose his badge. He was concerned about the implications, or how am I going to provide for my family? My job could be could be lost. He was concerned with the stigma, what others were going to think of him. I think he was he had conversations with my with my mother about being fearful of going to a mental hospital and getting help. So there's just a lot of things weighing down on him, and one of the notes we actually found after it said it was found in a drawer by my mother, and it said, "I wish I could tell people when I think about work, I just get stressed out, but if I told them I was suicidal, I would be out of a job. His written words. Yeah, my mom found that. I want to say a few weeks after it happened.

Nancy Barrow: 4:40

And I think that explains so much, right? Like about mental health and asking for help. Tell me how it's changed because you said it has changed since your dad.

Jared Buchanon: 4:49

Yeah, so much more awareness has come out due to stigma being eliminated in in discussions like this. Yeah. They're uncomfortable discussions, but at the same time, the way I look. If we can have these discussions to save a life, suicide prevention is is a tough topic, but it's very rewarding in that somebody listening right now, a lives can be saved. So, this is where you have the topic of discussion. You talk about it, and next thing you know, law gets changed on by the awareness we created with um with belief to await, the race on the CT Senate Bill number 164 passed and workers' comp is now made available for police officers, firefighters, EMS. We got on corrections now too as well. That's another. They are they are struggling. Our corrections officers out there. That's another. That's another big population that that needs a lot of help. But on just having these discussions and people talk, and then the awareness happens, and stigma gets eliminated.

Nancy Barrow: 5:44

So, when your father died, you were in the Marines and had to fly home alone. What was that like for you getting that message?

Jared Buchanon: 5:52

Awful. On as you could imagine, mixed emotions, shock, anger. I I had a lot of hate for him for a long time, and I had a lot of confusion because I was told by the first person who called me that he was still alive, that a bad accident had happened at the police department, but you're going to be getting an American Red Cross message, you'll be coming home. So, I have all these questions, right? Those questions weren't answered until I got to the airport, and my brother called me and told me what really happened. So, it's like this life changing event just has occurred, and I got I got five days off of emergency leave, and that's it. Like you know, on that happened. So that was March 12th. Get back a week later, and then we deployed on the 31st Mew in I want to say the second week of May. So, I never got a chance to grieve. And I just honestly, I think I was I was numb to it for a while because I just didn't even want to bring it up. I just kind of buried it for a little bit. And then it's like too with the note. It's like all this happened, and then you have this this note here that that says, "Make my death an issue, so I can get help for other people like me. That's like, to me, my mom really took that and ran with it at first, but to me, like, I'm like, this is an additional burden that I don't think I want to deal with at this time. You know, this happened. I haven't freaking processed it yet, and everything. And now you want me to carry this? You know, it's a it's a heavy thing to carry. And where I am in my life right now, believe it or not, I am grateful for it because I see the effects, and I and I'm ready. And I I feel I genuinely feel the spiritual calling to carry it. But at the time, I wasn't ready.

Nancy Barrow: 7:38

And a lot of people don't get those notes, and imagine that not having your father explaining. He explained in that note what he was carrying, and like how he didn't want to leave you guys, but that it was just so much. You know what I mean? Like I feel like sometimes people don't get that gift.

Jared Buchanon: 7:58

It's you know what you're exactly right, and I feel in a way that I feel that we're fortunate that I got closure with that. Some people they get nothing.

Nancy Barrow: 8:10

They get nothing.

Jared Buchanon: 8:11

A loved one dies by suicide. There's no note. There's no message. The last memory may have been something something great, and and how would that shift? You know that the next day, so in a way, I do feel fortunate that at least I got that sense of closure there,

Nancy Barrow: 8:26

Right? And and how did you know make my death an issue? How has that shaped your life now? Because it really has. Like you run with a picture of your dad and explain all of that.

Jared Buchanon: 8:39

Yeah, it's it is it is my life now. It's and sometimes I've noticed too. I like forget like I talk about this every day now. It's it is my life, but I carry it with um a sense of uh a sense of strength, a sense of again like I feel spiritually this is what my life's purpose. I was able to transform the pain into something that I'm passionate about, and this is my purpose, you know.

Nancy Barrow: 9:04

Yeah, and I think we talked before the podcast started about grief, and it's a journey, and it's it's never ending, right? You're never not going to miss your father, yeah, right. So, but it goes in kind of cycles. So, you're in a good place, and it seems like you're really trying to make a difference and help other people who might be in this situation.

Jared Buchanon: 9:26

100, 100% and you know things still come up from from time to time, but but then I just remind myself what the bigger picture is, why we're doing this, going back to the note, and just remembering that it's it's about something greater than just us as a family. This is about genuinely saving lives of people all over the country, if not all over the world. You know, you never know on any given day who you may impact. So that's that's that's the way I look at it. You know.

Nancy Barrow: 9:53

Did you ever get go to therapy for for what happened with your dad?

Jared Buchanon: 9:57

I did, but not until I reached rock bottom, and it wasn't till let's see, seven years later. It wasn't until seven years later when I reached a point that on honestly I surrendered to Christ, and a lot of things changed in my life. But on that was a time where I where I went to therapy, and it um it was very helpful.

Nancy Barrow: 10:18

Yeah, I think finding someone who doesn't have skin in the game and you can just talk to yeah really does help quite a bit and you know that's one of the things I love about Connecticut paid leave that it really does help people take time away from their job if they're really struggling to be able to go get the help that they need that's one that we're so lucky we have it .

Jared Buchanon: 10:37

Absolutely, absolutely and too because like it doesn't tie in with the employer, right? Because this is this is something. A friend of mine actually just had his wife just had a baby, and he used it. He said it was amazing.

Nancy Barrow: 10:49

Yeah, we're finding too that more fathers are taking or partners are taking leave. When we first started in 2022, it was like 44% Now it's like almost 50% of partners are taking up to 12 weeks to bond with their baby, which I think is phenomenal. So, how did this happen? How did you meet Daniel? How did how did this whole happen with with the documentary? And and how did you guys meet? Were you friends before?

Jared Buchanon: 11:15

On the journey back to Connecticut, after I kind of screwed up when I moved moved out to to California, my mom took me in. I got a job that I got a job where Daniel was working, and we just kind of hit it off by shared commonalities. We had shared interests in movies and talking about aliens and just you know stuff, stuff, stuff like that and everything. But we we we found a bond to to grow on as in a friendship group.

Daniel Herzog: 11:39

Yeah, we the first so I had met Jared's mom so I met Jared I think it was like 2019 but I had met his mom Trish probably the year prior didn't make the connection until way after the fact but we were working on the agency that I was at we did our client work but we did a lot for police, first responders, veterans, and we'd always try to include them with different clients that we had that you know really appeased to those markets. And we were doing this really fun shoot at Foxwoods at this they call it Monza. They have this racetrack that's underneath the parking garage, and it's this Italian racetrack. Brought in a bunch of veterans from California, and then I see this guy, and he's just standing there. And I said to my boss, "I said, who's tat? He's like, "That's Jared. That's Trish's son. I was like, "Oh, okay. As I go up, and we just start talking, but like, just looking at, I was like, "This guy, Jared. I remember. I just remember Jared standing by himself. This guy's like covered in tattoos. His hair is all like slicked back. Just seemed out of place from the rest of us, and we just like, you know, when you meet Jared, he's the kind of person that you just feel like you just know you can get. He he's just really easy to get along with, and over the years, like he said, yeah, we became friends, bonded over a lot of things, and Jared always hound me. He's like, make a documentary about me, make a documentary about me, and I'm like, and it wasn't until you know years later when I was at Jared's house and I was working on this this passion project and I thought Jared would be a great person for it. Where as I'm listening him talk, tell his story about the ultras and his dad, that I realize yeah he's doing these and he's raising awareness, but he also does these races to deal with his trauma, which he had never said out loud. I just kind of put that together, or you know, really suicide. Suicide has never been. I can't say I've had you know I grew up with people like you know that had committed suicide, but nobody close to me. So, I'm like, how am I gonna, you know, this is it's a hot topic. How am I gonna, you know, get

Nancy Barrow: 13:43

Carefully, carefully,

Daniel Herzog: 13:44

Carefully, yeah!

Nancy Barrow: 13:46

Right? So it's so it's done well, and you know maybe we should backtrack to like when did running start for you after your dad, or was it before your dad?

Jared Buchanon: 13:55

So I def I ran before, but not in terms of the distances that we ended up going in, after it. So while I was deployed on that meal, we spent some time in Okinawa, Japan. So a lot of Liberty weekends I would have off, like Saturday, Sunday. I would just go out. I would go out for a lot of runs just by myself.

Nancy Barrow: 14:12

Like 5Ks, or would you do marathons?

Jared Buchanon: 14:14

Ah, you know, 10 plus miles and everything, and then just I would just do laps around this around this area and go work out after, and for me, it's always been very helpful being very hyper to just move kind of kind of kind of like movement is medicine almost, you know. I was able to work some things out with my with inside my head. And as I got out and had more time available, on just ended up finding a love for it. You know, started with a 50-mile distance. Well, we started doing marathons first together. Did that a lot in 2014, 2015. We started with a double marathon, so 52-mile distance. 2017, we ran our first 100 miler. That took us 24 hours 40 minutes. Yeah, it was the Keys 100. You start at Key Largo. You run all the way to Key West. So that was just a wall-breaking barrier moment. It's like, what else are you capable of when you take your pain, get a little bit uncomfortable, and find this magic in the healing too? You know, it was it was extremely therapeutic.

Nancy Barrow: 15:14

I think because it's a solo sport, right? Like you're out there, and it's mind. It's all your brain. It's all like your brain saying it doesn't hurt. I'm not hurting. This is just. This is just fake. This is just. This isn't it. It's really a battle of your mind. So, did do you think endorphins took over and you really actually started to feel better?

Jared Buchanon: 15:35

You definitely get the runner's high. Yeah. You get the the dopamine rush. You get the serotonin. The endorphins definitely spike, and intellectually you're just able to process things. I know for me personally, and I feel like a lot of people who might have ADHD, we like to be in movement. You know, we like to even just walking. Sometimes on right now, I'll take work calls just while I'll speak on the phone while I'm walking. I just something about movement. Even now, I'm talking with my hand. Like I like moving around and everything. It just it's it flows naturally, you know. But it did something, man. It did something that just changed my outlook, my perspective, my ideology on a lot of things. And ultimately, it made me find forgiveness. Ultimately, it made me look at things in other perspectives, and most importantly, ultimately,well, most importantly, the spiritual development. But second most, I dropped my ego. You know, I found a lot of humility.

Nancy Barrow: 16:31

Yeah, and that changed your relationship with your family.

Jared Buchanon: 16:33

Huge, huge.

Nancy Barrow: 16:36

Was it after the 250, or was

Jared Buchanon: 16:39

The Moab 240 race. Really, a lot of things that it just broke me to the point where the year prior I was hit by that Chevy Tahoe, and I was just in such a dark abyss of a pitfall of not understanding why all these trials kept occurring to me having questions existential questions and philosophical questions of what I'm doing wrong, you know. I thought at that point I was on the right path where I'm genuinely trying to help people. I'm putting my burden aside to help others, and I get knocked down. You know, I get up. I keep getting knocked down all these different times. But realizing now that it just was part of my journey and everything, and it's people are able to find strength from that, you know, because I really questioned why I was still alive after I got hit by that Chevy Tahoe, I thought that was it. You know, but I got up and just that really changed me. And then the fact that that happened before the, you know, the big Moab 240 run in in 2020, that just on it was very pivotal in my journey.

Nancy Barrow: 17:43

It's so interesting too, like in the fact that some people may look at your running like you're punishing yourself because honestly, that is like what. And I loved your filmmaking in Beautifully Broken because it was like the changing of the shoes every night and your socks, and like all the little caveats that you don't think about, and you only got like an hour and a half of sleep for four days. Like every night, you only got like one to two hours of sleep. People would say that's like self-abuse and punishment. It is.

Jared Buchanon: 18:16

Oh it is. It's crazy, but for someone who has been through something and wants to get closer to somebody who suffered involuntary, for me the voluntary suffering it was like a gateway to like this transcendence almost, and I just I found peace.

Nancy Barrow: 18:38

And you probably a lot of understanding with your father.

Jared Buchanon: 18:40

Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. I found, like I said, peace. I found forgiveness. I found healing on the journey, and I don't think that could have happened through traditional therapy. I don't think that could have happened through a traditional meditation. It had to be something else for me. Yeah. Now, in addition, though, you know, now I meditate now, prayer is a big part of my life. I go to therapy. You know, it's like you take all these different modalities, and this is what I tell people: find what's going to work for you. You know, not everybody loves running. Some people love painting. Some people love art. Some people love fashion. Some people love being a seamstress, like stitching. Find what works for you. Put your pain into that and wait till you see what can happen versus numbing pain with substance.

Nancy Barrow: 19:24

Yeah. Did you ever do that?

Jared Buchanon: 19:25

I did.

Nancy Barrow: 19:26

Yeah.

Jared Buchanon: 19:26

I did. Um, had had had had some issues there. Um, had some issues with anger that I had to work on. Had some issues with marijuana, and now like like I'm in a good place now.

Nancy Barrow: 19:38

Which makes me so happy to hear that. And I think Daniel, when you watched him do these, like how did you see him change? Because I'm sure you saw a change in him.

Daniel Herzog: 19:50

Jared was exactly how he was when you watched the documentary. He always had a positive mindset, whether that was just-I mean. I've never seen. There's very few times that I've seen Jared in a bad mood. One was probably when I showed up at his house at four in the morning when he was doing the seven days of marathons, wasn't very pleased. But otherwise, always so positive. And one of the rules that his coach Matt had when we were in Arizona, he's like, we don't talk about anything negative around Jared or anything, but he was just so pos. There was never. It was just. It was positive the whole time, the entire time. Even like, you know, like there's a scene that I cut where Jared gets out of the van. He clearly he cannot. He can't. He can barely walk. Like his waist down, and he has to like use the restroom. And I remember saying to my brother,"I'm like, I don't know. This isn't a good. This isn't a good. I've never seen Jared like this broken down. But he put on his stuff and he kept going. And then, you know, waking up in the middle of the night when it's was it 3020, something degrees out, and he has to do the mountain. And it's it was so I can't express how cold it was and how like shot he was, and he was just positive. So there's no like how he is. That's how Jared is.

Nancy Barrow: 21:06

Yeah it was interesting. You never complained. I think that's what your coach said is like you've never heard him say, "Oh, my feet hurt. Like you never ever complained. Is that just the mindset that you had? Like, is that a military mindset?

Jared Buchanon: 21:20

I mean, I'm bringing them out here, so you have to get through it. And like for me, what is what is what is complaining going to be going to do? You know, your body's going to get banged up, but your body goes. What do you still have? You still have your mind, right? So, if I can just continuously break this thing down, you know, 250 miles, that's overwhelming to think about. But you know what's not overwhelming to think about? 10 miles, making it to a 14-mile aid station. So continuously just breaking it down, and I have my moments and everything, but I'm screaming in my head internally. You know, you have to find ways to deal with it because if you have that, you know, negativity, it's like it spreads like cancer. It robs enthusiasm. It robs spirit. It robs the attitude and energies of others. So you got to put on this this front and lead from the front and everything and just press forward.

Nancy Barrow: 22:14

How has the running and all those accomplishments that you've done affected you in your personal life, like because I think that that's really, you know, when you're out there and you're saying I'm going to do a 250 mile run or a 300 mile run, which I saw that you did.

Jared Buchanon: 22:31

Yeah, that that that was crazy. Yeah, that one that was crazy. Yeah, that one was crazy.

Nancy Barrow: 22:38

You know, those are really big accomplishments. How has that, you know, you must have, you must be very satisfied with yourself that you've accomplished all these things, and how has that affected your personal life?

Jared Buchanon: 22:49

You know, it's it's funny you say that. On, I'm doing it all for my father. And I just hope, when I got into this, I never thought it would we would be where we are today, and if it's just inspiring one person, who's a police officer, who's anybody really, but if it is a police like the way I visualize it, if it's a police officer like my dad and he's in this moment and he sees this son who loves his father so much, maybe that'll give him the insight to seek help or not go through with with it if he's having suicidal ideation. So that's why we why I do this.

Nancy Barrow: 23:27

Have you talked to any of the people in East Hartford, like any of the officers?

Jared Buchanon: 23:31

Yeah I have.

Nancy Barrow: 23:32

And how have they responded to it?

Jared Buchanon: 23:35

One, they think I'm nuts, and then two, they're really proud. They're really proud and um, just blown away in a positive matter of how we've taken this tragedy and turned it into something very, very, constructive and positive, you know.

Nancy Barrow: 23:48

And now you have gone to school and you're going to be a therapist.

Jared Buchanon: 23:52

Yeah.

Nancy Barrow: 23:52

And and how did that come into your brain where you were like, okay, I want to be a therapist now.

Jared Buchanon: 23:59

Yeah, I was just I guess like attacking the note center on there, and I was like, like, what can I can what can I do more that's really going to directly have an impact? And I've been doing it since let's see, since 2023, we've been I started internship 24, and yeah, I'm at LPCA right now. Um, I'm fully booked, got a got a full clientele list, and I genuinely love the job. It has its moments, you know. Some sometimes I have noticed that self-care is important too. Like you don't want to get burned out, caretaker burnout and everything. But I found a lot of a lot of gratitude, and I just genuinely enjoy helping people kind of get to where I'm at right now.

Nancy Barrow: 24:38

Do you have any police clientele?

Jared Buchanon: 24:41

A bunch, yeah. The vast majority are first responders and veterans, and then, and then, believe it or not, I have some troubled teens now too that I did not think I would want to get into that population, but it kind of just happened, and I'm enjoying it because very moldable, very moldable. They listen, and I'm really enjoying the impact there.

Nancy Barrow: 25:00

And that's so interesting. Are you planning on doing more races?

Jared Buchanon: 25:04

Yeah. So you know what's kind of funny? Just last week, I was in Romania for the Transylvania 100. Dracula's Castle. It was one of the most incredible journeys I think I've ever been on, and I want to go back there again. Brutal climbing, elements of snow, lots of rain, crazy mountainous terrain. So, so that one was wild. But I have that. I had that one this year. I have next year. It's a 215 miler. The race across Scotland. I have the Mammoth. Yep, Mammoth Lakes, California. That's a 208 miler, I believe. And believe it or not, there is one that an inaugural is going to be coming out in 2028 that I'm interested in, but I very terrified with the distance. It's in Hawaii, it's still in development. It's called Hakamua 360. So we're in the preliminary stages, but potentially we might film something out there. But preliminary, nothing's you know we're just talking.

Nancy Barrow: 26:00

360 miles in like how many days would that take?

Jared Buchanon: 26:02

Over a week. I I think seven days would be pretty cool, but it's a lot of mountainous terrain and it's still it's not even official yet. It's just there's like a private Facebook group I got invited to and it just caught my attention.

Nancy Barrow: 26:15

Wow. So you're still going to be doing this. This is still something that you feel that is really important that you do.

Jared Buchanon: 26:20

Yeah I really thought I was-I really thought I was done after that. On even after Cocodona, but especially after that Arizona Monster one came out, that that was a 304 miler, that took five days, 19 hours, and I think 27 minutes. That that was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's like I look, I'm, I still have the ability and capacity to do these, so I'm like, like, why not? You know, if this can really save someone's life, I think we should. I think I should practice what I preach, and I preach getting uncomfortable to find the magic. So, what else are we capable of?

Nancy Barrow: 26:52

And you know, you have the picture of your dad. Have people asked about your dad, and do you tell the story? Oh yeah, that's that's amazing, and and keeps him still, sort of here with you.

Jared Buchanon: 27:02

That's the thing, because it's like, and for those viewers listening, just because you've lost a loved one physically, spiritually, they're with you forever. And what you do going forward with their memory, it's a testament to their character. So, for me, it's been my way as a struggling when it happened, a struggling 22, 23-year-old, and It was my way to keep him alive with me, and I feel like he's with me, you know, right now. And it's and it's just it's beautiful.

Nancy Barrow: 27:28

Do you talk to your dad?

Jared Buchanon: 27:29

I do. Yeah I do.

Nancy Barrow: 27:30

I talk to my parents, so it's like yeah, yeah. I think that that's really a great dialogue.

Jared Buchanon: 27:34

Absolutely.

Nancy Barrow: 27:35

You know, and you can kind of tell them what you're thinking. So I feel that that really is helpful. Was there a scene for you, Daniel, that really affected you emotionally?

Daniel Herzog: 27:45

The scene where, you know, I knew that we're gonna have to talk about his dad's death, especially like, you know, I knew I had to interview Jared about that. I had to interview his brother Benj, which that was the first day I ever met Benj. And so you know to ask those types of questions, you know, but then having to put figure out how am I going to put that scene together, and every single that once I figured it out, but every single time I kind of went through that, it was it was just kind of it was a bummer. It was like it was really hard. I'd get really sad and have to like walk away because like I have two little kids and I just thought about like yeah like if how what would you know what would that experience be like for them and it was just really even now like any like every time we screen the film and it gets to that scene like I just get I get really bummed out because it's really sad because

Nancy Barrow: 28:40

I will say though that it was so powerful looking at the interviews with his brother, yeah, and his mother. Like I thought that they were so powerful because the emotion was really there, but they also talk so positively about your change, your transformation, because your brother really didn't like you. And it was really interesting to see that dynamic and how it has shifted because of your running.

Jared Buchanon: 29:07

Yeah, and it was um, that was part of it too because like I'm putting all my stuff out here right now, and it was um it was I'll be honest, it was it was uncomfortable because I'm like, man, you know I'm really this is the truth about the relationship with me and Benji, and some things that um I'm not I'm not proud of childhood and younger and even some of the ways. When you lose someone to suicide, it's like where does the blame go? And for me, that betrayal trauma, I immediately shifted it to my mom. I'm like, why didn't she do enough? How could you not visually see all these things? I started blaming Benji, the Chief, like all different kinds of people. But when you look at it from a non-emotional viewpoint, you know, ultimately the person that made the decision was a vulnerability within my father, and um, a lot of things shifted, you know. But immediately I'm like, I wanted to blame someone. And I was just filled with uncontrollable anger and rage, you know. And it was uncomfortable having to film that stuff and having to see on you know how I treated certain people. And I'm just very grateful for the change. And we have a beautiful relationship now. We have had no issues in probably over five, six years. No issues.

Nancy Barrow: 30:19

I think that that was evident in the documentary too. I really think that it it showed the shift and and the letter that your brother wrote you on your birthday, like how beautiful was that? Oh my gosh! If that didn't make you cry, it was just it was beautiful. It was a beautiful letter from him.

Jared Buchanon: 30:36

When I went up there and he gave it to me, I had to go in the other room because I started I started crying, and then I just gave him a hug after. It was just. I've never had that before in my life, so it was really meaningful.

Nancy Barrow: 30:46

Yeah, I think that kudos to you for being able to make a change. It's not easy. Yeah, it's really it's really not a very easy thing. I was telling you before about Jay Shetty, and that he talks about grief being a stone in your pocket, and it's always there, and you always feel it. When the birthdays come around your dad or Father's Day, does does the stone get a little heavier?

Jared Buchanon: 31:13

Of course, like Father's Day, especially even when my brother has a has a son now, like a nephew. Like you know, it'd be cool if if dad physically was here for that, so you definitely, you know, that stone definitely turns into a larger rock at that point. But there's times when like you're doing these races, or I'm doing the different. I do so many different speaking engagements now, and when I see the implications of the effects of what's happening to other people, that stone turns into a pebble. You know, so it's like it's not linear in terms of grief. You never know when it's going to hit you. But I found, for the vast majority, where I'm at currently and presently in life, I've found peace with things.

Nancy Barrow: 31:49

What do you hope the conversations are around this documentary, Beautifully Broken? What do you What do you hope the conversation is around suicide and mental health?

Jared Buchanon: 32:02

My genuine hope is that this sparks the change to save lives. That's the hope, and have uncomfortable conversations when they need to happen, because it's like there's a conflict there. If it's not managed, it's just going to be it's going to be like that volcano with like what happened with my father. So being really authentic about what you're going through, and knowing it's okay if you gotta, if you have to talk to somebody, you know. So, I'm trying to we are trying to save lives.

Nancy Barrow: 32:30

And what do you think you would like to come from this documentary?

Daniel Herzog: 32:34

You know, it's interesting because we talked about that a lot before we started to film, and you know, Jared had his reason. My reason was I thought Jared had a captivating story, and I really liked spending time with Jared because he's so positive. And I was like, that'll be a great influence on me over these next, you know, three years while we work on this. But you know, I really I wanted to inspire people. I wanted people to whether not you know inspire people to go run an ultra-marathon, but like to show that this individual changed and that anybody can change, and how you know vulnerable he is and how open he is about everything, and hopefully more people are like that. And again, not just about suicide. That's changed because now we've done these screenings, and we're screening for, we're doing a lot of colleges right now. I know Jared's speaking at a lot of high schools. We're doing like police unions, mental health organizations. The coolest thing is hearing the feedback right after we film. Like colleges, you the students what they're what they're getting out of it, or you know they're seeing the film in a completely different way than you know, Jared and I saw it. You know, we're hearing like, I lost my uncle to drug addiction. There's no drug addiction in the documentary.

Nancy Barrow: 33:50

But it's about loss. Yeah, it is about loss.

Daniel Herzog: 33:53

Yeah. Or you know, I've I feel like my wife. She's like, that made me feel like motivated, like I would maybe do a 5k, and a lot of people have said that. So it's like that. That was really my mindset. And now hearing like how it's the effect that it's had on people in terms of like talking about mental health more, talking about suicide, just being more open. Us just having this conversation for a podcast that other people are going to hear because so many people I think keep a lot of things inside, but like showing like life is messy and but you but you you're but you're able I mean I feel like Jared's family went through probably one of the worst things that anybody has ever gone through. and it was kind of

Nancy Barrow: 34:34

And it was kind of public it was yeah you know was in the papers and stuff and that's that's even made it harder you know.

Jared Buchanon: 34:40

Absolutely. You know, absolutely.

Daniel Herzog: 34:42

But how, like, how positive and resilient? And then, like, I didn't learn about the relationship about his brother till the day I met him because I knew Jared a certain way. And then I hear there was a lot more that Benji said about Jared, and I was like, I can't, I can't have the audience hate Jared. But I was like, this is not. I go, this isn't the person. And like you know, Jared and his family, like nobody saw the film until we premiered it on the 30th. The only person saw it was my sound designer and my my sister and my brother. But that was it. So I'm like, Jared had no idea what Benji was going to talk. I didn't tell him. I just told him after that interview. I said, "Wow, your brother, your brother's an interesting guy. He had a lot to say. Yeah. So, yeah. Ultimately, yeah. Like I, this has just been such an interesting experience for me, just to see how it resonates with all kinds of people.

Nancy Barrow: 35:32

And it's gotten bigger. I think than you thought it was going to be.

Jared Buchanon: 35:34

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. We're It's at the point. Like we have another call right after this at 1230. We have a call with Sacred Heart. We had a call yesterday with Albertus Magnus again. So like, we're going to Arizona State. Like, who would have thought? So, a lot of, we're just trying to grow it at this point, and it's on. And it's cool to see what other people are getting out of it.

Nancy Barrow: 35:53

And I think colleges, it's great because there is a high rate of suicide. Yeah, yeah, at colleges.

Jared Buchanon: 35:59

I think for I don't have the statistic in front of me, but I think for the age of I think it's 19 to 25, the second or third leading cause of death, or it might even be it is suicide. It's within the top five. Yeah, I don't have the statistic in front of me, but it's but it's up. It's an issue. It is a very big issue.

Nancy Barrow: 36:17

This is the paid leave podcast, so I just sort of want to bring it back to Connecticut Paid Leave and Jared, you know, in your practice, I hope that you can utilize this and tell you know your patients if they're working and they can take up to 12 weeks of income replacement, whatever their doctors are telling them or therapists are telling them they need that they can really use this and caregivers too if if they're younger like you say, you're doing you know some teenagers. You know the parents can take time away from work to drive the kids to therapy. So, I just want you to be able to utilize this, and we're so lucky we have it in Connecticut. So, I really hope that it can help people. But do you feel you can use this?

Jared Buchanon: 36:58

100% I have had clients go to treatment centers utilizing CT paid leave, so it gives them that time. Ultimately, health is wealth, right? So, it gives them that time to get themselves to the place where they need to be, and even if there's more after, they can continue. But it's that three months you can do a lot within that.

Nancy Barrow: 37:17

Yeah and like I said like it can be intermittent leave, so they don't have to do a block. That's it, and they can do reduced schedule from work. So it's flexible in that way. And I really do hope as a therapist you can help people utilize that because you know they're paying into the program. They need to use the program.

Jared Buchanon: 37:33

The intermittent leave, especially, I've signed off on different cases for that. It's very, very helpful for people because I love hearing that. It doesn't. They can take a day here or there utilizing that. So I believe in it. Yeah, very beneficial.

Nancy Barrow: 37:47

If your father could see the impact that your story is having now, what do you think that he would say to you?

Jared Buchanon: 38:00

I think he'd be really proud.

Nancy Barrow: 38:01

I was just gonna say that. Yeah, I was just gonna say like I think he would be like blown away by what you've done and where you are now. Yeah, and that you know, make it count. You know, make his death count and make changes. And I think I don't mean to make you upset, but I do think that he would be like super proud of you, and I think having a documentary about this and showing it to other people is only going to be more powerful, yeah, and make more ripples. So, I think you should be really proud of yourself too. I think I think you really should. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. What would you tell a son who has recently lost a father to suicide?

Jared Buchanon: 38:53

My message would be this: Just because you've been through a tragedy, you can still live a good life. You know this happened to you, you know. You don't have to like it, but there's something within acceptance without judgment, and just pressing forward. You can still live this amazing life. My mother, she has since found a new love in life, which I have accepted. It's taken time. But I'm so grateful for the both of them in my life. I don't even I don't even like using the word stepdad because he means more. I feel like I got two dads. You know, he's a great man. My brother has sensed he's married. He's got a kid, a beautiful a beautiful family and relationship. I'm doing really well in everything now. So like, you can still live an amazing life. You know that would be my message.

Nancy Barrow: 39:35

And seeing where you were back then to where you are now, you're a completely different person.

Jared Buchanon: 39:41

Yeah yeah. It's wild to on, yeah. It's wild. It's wild.

Nancy Barrow: 39:46

I think it's amazing to have both of you

here. But the last question is: 39:48

What do you both hope to get from this podcast? What are you hoping that comes from talking on this podcast?

Jared Buchanon: 39:58

Honestly, just if one person who's listening today can get something out of it. You know, I go back to this thing I talk about during speaking engagements of the starfish story with this kid. Imagine like 10,000 starfish are washed up on a beach. Now starfish are amphibious; they're aquatic. They need to be inside the water to survive. So, this kid's going one by one. He's tossing them in into the ocean, and this old timer's like, what are you doing? You know, there is no possible way you can save every single one. Why are you wasting your time? And the kid just politely smiles. You know, throws another one back in. So, I really go back to that like metaphor and ideology when I'm doing things like this because if I can just help one person, that's all that matters.

Nancy Barrow: 40:39

That's a starfish right there.

Jared Buchanon: 40:40

That's a Starfish. That's a starfish.

Daniel Herzog: 40:43

I would. I to piggyback off of that. Yeah. To change one person. I ultimately, you know, when we set out to do this project, you know, I told Jared. I said I don't want to just put it up on streaming and this and that. I go. I want to have. I want to be with the people. I want to screen it with the people. I want to have the conversations with the people. That's something I've always enjoyed, and I feel like they get a lot out of it. Having Jared there to ask questions, having me ask questions, and just us getting feedback and just to listen to people like talk. Maybe it's the first time that they're really ever, you know talking about it, like when we went to college last year, there was so many students, so many students, and had a lot of you know troubled backgrounds, and just hearing how it resonated with them, I was like, oh, this that means a lot, and that's why we really like doing the colleges because I feel like in college you're at a time where you're dealing with a lot of emotions and there's probably a lot going on in your life and it's like what am I going to do with the rest of my life but to show like this guy I mean Jared's had a very interesting like life trajectory which keeps kind of moving upward but was able to kind of turn all this negativity into something positive so having a positive impact and just kind of being with the people, but ultimately we want we want to keep showing it as much as we can.

Jared Buchanon: 42:08

And it's funny too, like the journey sometimes does not go how you foresaw it yourself. Like we thought initially, we were going to do like film festivals and all these different things, but we fell in love with these screenings, and it really was because of the people and the conversations after some very, very powerful moments. We've had moments where a person in the audience has talked about them being suicidal, and it gets very deep and very emotional. But seeing that impact and seeing the healing, you know, so it's like you think it's going to go one way, and then we're doing all these screenings, and then what is it? A year and a half later, it's just growing and growing, and it's just it's cool to see. It's magical, really. It is, yeah, it is.

Nancy Barrow: 42:49

It's magical. Beautifully Broken is more than a documentary about ultra marathons. It's about grief, silence, masculinity, trauma, and the difficult work of healing, which you've done, Jared. I want to thank Jared Buchanan and Daniel Herzog for their honesty and vulnerability in sharing this powerful story. And thank you for being guests on The Paid Leave podcast.

Jared Buchanon: 43:11

Thank you, thank you, Nancy. It's like great. This was great.

Nancy Barrow: 43:14

if the conversation resonates with you or someone you know is struggling, reach out. Connection matters and help exists. If you or someone you love is suffering, please use the 988 suicide and crisis lifeline. It provides free and confidential emotional support. You can learn more about the documentary, Beautifully Broken, in the show notes. For more information or to apply for benefits, please go to ctaidleave.org. This has been another edition of The Paid Leave podcast. Please like and subscribe so you'll be notified about new podcasts that become available. Connecticut Paid Leave is a public act with a personal purpose. I'm Nancy Barrow, and thanks for listening.